The 5 Stages Your Ex Goes Through After A Breakup (Your Complete Breakup Roadmap)
By: Cole Zesiger
One of the most painful parts of going through a breakup is the uncertainty, the incessant wonder of whether or not your ex is missing you too, or feeling any pain at all.
Logically, you know they should think of you sometimes, but the happy moments you see on social media and the lack of communication with you quickly eats away at your confidence.
Over the last two years, I have conducted over one thousand coaching calls with people on both sides of the breakup, and I have noticed some consistent patterns. Exes that eventually come back tend to go through five stages before finally reconnecting. The purpose of this blog post is to give you hope, direction, and a roadmap you can use to navigate your breakup.
Before we dive into the stages, I want to clarify that I am NOT saying your ex is guaranteed to come back. Anyone who is making you that promise is lying to you. You can use this roadmap to assess your chances and better understand your situation.
Stage 1: Relief
For most dumpees, this stage is the most confusing. How could the person you loved most, the person you were convinced loved you too, leave so easily? How could they be so unbothered? How could they seem happy? Was it all a lie? Did they never really love you? Were you being used all this time?
In an attempt to make sense of the situation, your brain can tell you some crazy things. The answer to most of these questions is that the love was real. They did care about you. You were not tricked. But the breakup has filled your ex with a sense of relief…
How?
Pause and think about the situation from your ex’s point of view. For them, the breakup is not a surprise. Most likely, they wrestled with the idea of breaking your heart for weeks or months. Some days, they were sure they should pull the trigger, but then a wonderful moment with you caused their mind to change. On other days, they were sure the relationship was worth fighting for and their problems could be overcome. Then, a conflict would arise, and their fears that some things never change crept back into their heart.
Having such a war of the heart is a very stressful place to be. Making a decision, any decision, to remove you from this state of cognitive dissonance brings an overwhelmingly freeing sense of relief. This is the relief your ex feels.
When you witnessed this state of relief, you may have freaked out and tried to convince them to stay. You had no idea the breakup was coming and reacted out of anxiety. Your ex probably became cold to protect this newfound relief and resist being forced back into the box of indecision.
Now, you have a decision. You can choose to give your ex the space they’re asking for and go “no contact“, meaning you don’t initiate any form of contact with them, and they will have a good chance of progressing through the rest of the five stages. If you do not leave them alone, they will be frozen in relief. You will become a bother to them and your chances of reconciliation will be diminished. If you dare to offer them space, the relief stage usually lasts about 4-6 weeks.
Signs of the relief stage:
- Posting a lot on social media
- Partying
- Traveling
- Going out a ton with friends
- No communication with you
Stage 2: Curiosity
Once you make it through the grueling first weeks of no contact, you may begin to notice some signs of the curiosity stage. Most exes expect the person they dumped to continue chasing after them. They don’t necessarily want it, but they expect it. So, once their relief wears off and they begin to get back into the groove of everyday life, many exes wonder why you aren’t still pining for their affection. They are not yet at the point where they would consider taking you back, but they are curious about what else you may have going on.
They may even miss you a little here, although not enough to reach out. This curiosity drives many dumpers to do some detective work. They scan social media and may ask mutual friends if you are still in pain or if you are seeing anyone else. This stage tends to last about a month.
Although the tables are beginning to turn, this is the point where most dumpees fail. Although they have only been in no contact for 4-6 weeks, it feels like an eternity. When they see their ex view a story, or hear from a friend that they were mentioned by their ex in passing, they jump for joy and send their ex a text asking how they are doing.
Remember though, your ex does not want to get back together yet. They aren’t even considering it. They are just curious how you are doing. If you jump the gun and text them here, their curiosity is satisfied, and you’ve given them a one-way ticket back to the relief stage. So stay strong!
Signs of the Curiosity Stage:
- Watching your stories
- Asking friends or family about you
- Their excessive posting has calmed down and returned to normal
- Not as much partying
- Seeming like themselves again
Stage 3: Concern
If you’ve managed to hold on this long, you should be feeling a bit better about your situation. No contact is the best method for getting an ex back, but more importantly, it provides you with the chance to do some healing as well. We are two and a half months in, and you should be getting used to life without this person. You may still miss them, but you at least have glimmers of hope that you will be okay and maybe even happy.
After a month or so of curiosity, your ex may start to wonder if you would take them back if they changed their mind. From the time of the breakup until now, they were sure they could get you back with one phone call. They had the power and control, but it has been a couple of months and they have not heard from you. Thoughts that you might reject them if they were to try to come back creep into their mind and they begin to wonder if they made the right move.
This wonder leads them to open the doors of their recollection to memories with you. There were bad times, but there were also good times. They start to ponder on the trips you two took and the dreams you had for the future. This leads to some anxiety on their end as they begin to experience some of the feelings of loss that you began this process with. This tends to last four weeks or less.
Signs of the Concern Stage:
- More consistent story-watching
- Liking of your posts
- More asking friends and family about you
- Sad quotes posted on their stories
Stage 4: The Reach Out
Finally! This is what you’ve been waiting for! From my observations, most exes reach out, if they are going to, around three and a half months into no contact. Remember, the emotions they are feeling in this stage are similar to what you felt when they broke up with you. They are afraid of your rejection. They are not sure if you miss or think about them. They have thought about many of the good times and want to see if there is a chance and see how they feel interacting with you again.
To protect themselves from the pain of rejection, most exes reach out very indirectly. They send a text, usually in the form of a question that either doesn’t matter or that they could easily google, as a way of safely testing the waters with you.
Common Examples Include:
- “Hey! How’s your cat doing?”
- “Hey! Did I leave my shampoo at your house?”
- “What was the name of that pizza restaurant we went to last year?”
The best way to handle this is to ride the wave of them pursuing you by matching their energy. Answer their question and see where they take the conversation. If they ask how you are, return the favor. If the conversation fizzles, let it fizzle. Remember that the thing driving them to reach out is their anxiety that you may not want to reconsider the relationship. If you immediately respond to their indirect reach out with over-the-top excitement, that motivation disappears and they will feel a sense of emptiness. It helps to imagine yourself as the prize. They are the pursuer. They are making an effort to repair what they broke and your job is to let them.
Stage 5: The Meet Up
If you’ve texted for a few days, there should be a meetup. If they have initiated the texting communication, it is okay for you to suggest something. The best meetups follow this pattern:
They are…
- Short (1-2 hours max)
- Doing an activity where talking is not the only focus (walks, museums, etc.)
- Playful, fun, and light
- Not focused on why the relationship ended
Once you have had a couple of meetups like this and a foundation of connection is re-established, talking about the breakup is necessary. Talk about what went wrong and how things can be different going forward. Share what would make you feel secure and listen to what would make your partner feel secure. Once you two both agree, start slow by continuing to date each other until you both feel comfortable to recommit and begin a new and different relationship!
If you want a guide on how to handle texting communication to maximize your chances of landing this meetup, I created a course to help you become a master here:
You can do this!
Remember that you are not alone.
Remember that you are not forgettable and that you matter.
Cole
